In some peoples lives there comes a point where you no longer have control over your own mind. It’s a horrible ordeal, it haunts ever essence of your being. I have just experienced one of these melancholy points. Though on the outside it seems to be a simple panic attack, but I’m sorry to say it was so very much more than that and so very much worse. For a small part of this horrifying slather of a mental meltdown, it was as if my mind took me away from my sentient being and sent me to various destinations around the globe, in each one something rather horrific would be occurring, for example, one was a hurricane in central america where I was swept away by the cold, wet power of the wind, I was drowning and flying at the same moment in time. Another, took me to what I could only perceive as Australia, where I was contained in the body of a women who was being raped, her convulsions and screams echoed through me, once again I was cold and once again I wasn’t able to breath, but I wasn’t drowning, the sheer terror that emitted through me made me weak and evoked my ability to take in the breath of air I so desperately needed. The final blow came in the form of a planetary cross over, I was looking up from a rainy road, alone and still frozen from the previous events when suddenly I could feel every emotion in the world and unfortunately, the dominant emotion was unshakable pain and suffering. This intense wave made me completely and utterly raw, almost as if my skin had been flailed from my body and my bare muscle and fat layer was consumed by a million daggers that only very slightly penetrated me but in such numbers that they became my new skin, metal and rust became my new protection, I bore the pain of this planet and I can honestly say that I wish to never cause pain or suffering or sadness in any way, shape or form through out the the entirety of my life. Once I was returned to my sentient being I still wore the scars of the whole ordeal. I feel like I will always wear those scars, always carry those experiences with me even though I didn’t actually go through them. For that I can’t forgive this evil ridden aspects that writhe around in my minds core, I can never forgive it for that.


One thought on “Despair.

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  1. Gosh … I’ve just finished reading this three times, in order to get the full sense of it. It’s exceptional powerful and, in it’s own way, true to the jumbled mass of neurons we call a brain.

    It made me think of a friend of mine who managed, against all odds, to survive a brain tumor. However, the chemotherapy and radiation left her partly bald, the steroids caused her to balloon in weight and worst of all the tumor went away but left behind a line of calcium (or some sort) of deposit. She had to take seizure medication. But the worst part of it for me was that she had, as you word it, lost control over her mind. She became weird and mean and sometimes scary. I finally just stopped seeing her. Sadly, last I heard, the tumor had come back … but that’s all I know.

    Anyway, as you can tell, your post got me thinking … which is what a good post should do.

    All the best,


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