Eternal Orchastera

The sound of the universe is something that greatly interests me, it’s a concept we have come to simplify with semantic wording yet is so very expensive that we cannot fully perceive it. I want to talk about emotion and it’s presence in the human condition, in life’s condition. As star children made from elements bore in the heart of collapsing stars at the beginning of the universe it surprises me that we don’t think about emotion on a grand scheme but rather as a singular experience ‘owned’ by each of us. I see it as an echo, a resonance from a million different experiences that drive us- instinct and emotion seem to be walking hand in hand the longer we dive into the spiral column of existence as ‘life’.

Think about emotion in it’s purest form, a director from deep within, a director that makes you realise certain events and actions have a premeditated set of instructions that already lay within your head. This intricate web that passes down a cocktail of thoughts and feelings can be construed as humanity, morality or simply just a side effect of life itself. We, as star children, recognise this. Once the pieces fall together you come to the realisation of life, it’s a single breath, a moment, it doesn’t last long but its existence is beautiful and pure. These moments do not just happen on a great precipice, not just on a mountain post-scaled, or an achievement feated. It can happen at any moment, walking along a dull street, a small gust of wind enters your throat and all of a sudden you find yourself breathing in that moment of purity, forgetting the comedic troubles of existence for a moment and feeling as if you can fly, explode, expand and just exist without pressure or persecution.

We are still so young, how can anyone understand the complexity of existence when stars take billions of years to mature, we only exist for a flicker of that expensive light. So how do we as momentary breaths of humans try to attain this knowledge, this understanding beyond our very existence? Intangible learning that is passed down through each generation in the form of emotion, that little ‘feeling’ in your head is the result of millennia understandings and experiences. This is the driving force of life, it’s the driving force of existence. Without this, we are truly alone and that is inconceivable. How can we, a self-proclaimed mastermind species not think of the possible routes of out existence? That is what is truly intangible, that empty coffin deserves obsolete semantics. if these moments are a bite-size revelation towards understanding then we are more connected that possibly comprehensible, an enormous zooid, a meta-organism that contains all the beauty of the universe.

These small moments that allow us to feel like we understand, even if just for a second, even if quickly fleeting and dying, they are the music of the universe and us, the orchestra.

I am Aran. I am Lewis. We are star children.

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Neutrality

A long stretch of pain and anguish has just come to a less than likely end, that’s right- I’ve finished undergraduate university. It’s been an insanely draining three years with audaciously treacherous occasions and chaotically good outcomes. Let’s refresh as to what’s happened in the past three years. I moved into a brick and brimstone shit hole called ‘Castle Irwell’ in my first year and met what I thought were like minded, kind people. As the year progressed, I realised that the world was in fact still brimming with dickheads and tried to trust those close to me as much as possible. However; as year two swiftly came about- I was greeted with a situation I was not prepared for. I fell in love with the worst human being to ever exist in my life. He used me up, drained me dry and left my psyche for dead in the gutter, but I kept going (with some help from my friend Zoloft)- The obstacles he erected were unimaginable and fighting my way through them absolutely obliviated my coping mechanisms. This left me vulnerable to previously avoidable issues. The way he hugged me, held me when he fell asleep in my bed and the way he came to me when he thought I could help but, in reality, it was all a trap, a farce that engulfed me and ripped me apart until I was remoulded into an emotional punching bag for him.

Thankfully, this eventually came to a bitter end- though it involved me losing the ability to trust human beings as a whole and I was left fractured and broken- it ended. I was then greeted by my third year, this year, a year of stability and safety from all of this; these breaths of normality allowed me to attain my bearings with people, friends, family. However, the boy reared his ugly head once in a while as well- in events ranging from calling a ‘Fat Faggot’ in the street to telling my close friends I am a waste of space and will never amount to anything, to fucking a (now ex) close friend and getting her pregnant. This boy just could not reason with himself to not act like the world’s most valiant asshole.

But, fabled followers, fear not; as of today I never have to see his emotionally disfigured face again, never have to hear his bated breaths of sodomy and selective xenophobia. Never again do I have to feel the chains of his presence in my life, on this day, I am free. I have found someone else to love, someone else to care for; me. I am worth so much and I never realised it- I am a being of beauty and bashfulness and I am me. I have many new friends who are close to my heart, from a like-minded lesbian, a mentally complex millennial of the interwebs, an old friend who’s reintroduction has soothed my pains to a very unlikely kind brutish boy with good intentions. No, this is not a PSA on falling into the ‘wrong crowd’ it’s an appreciation for all that I hold close. These squishy meat sacks are wonderful, they make me feel human, they make me feel like I can grow and live and breathe. Also, I met a boy- he’s strong and kind and I love the way he holds me when we kiss. I think he likes me a lot too but I’m not sure, past echoes almost ruined what this became but I’m determined to not let apprehension stand in the way of progress anymore.

I am Aran, I am weird. I am gay. I am a scientist.

And I love life.

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