Neutrality

A long stretch of pain and anguish has just come to a less than likely end, that’s right- I’ve finished undergraduate university. It’s been an insanely draining three years with audaciously treacherous occasions and chaotically good outcomes. Let’s refresh as to what’s happened in the past three years. I moved into a brick and brimstone shit hole called ‘Castle Irwell’ in my first year and met what I thought were like minded, kind people. As the year progressed, I realised that the world was in fact still brimming with dickheads and tried to trust those close to me as much as possible. However; as year two swiftly came about- I was greeted with a situation I was not prepared for. I fell in love with the worst human being to ever exist in my life. He used me up, drained me dry and left my psyche for dead in the gutter, but I kept going (with some help from my friend Zoloft)- The obstacles he erected were unimaginable and fighting my way through them absolutely obliviated my coping mechanisms. This left me vulnerable to previously avoidable issues. The way he hugged me, held me when he fell asleep in my bed and the way he came to me when he thought I could help but, in reality, it was all a trap, a farce that engulfed me and ripped me apart until I was remoulded into an emotional punching bag for him.

Thankfully, this eventually came to a bitter end- though it involved me losing the ability to trust human beings as a whole and I was left fractured and broken- it ended. I was then greeted by my third year, this year, a year of stability and safety from all of this; these breaths of normality allowed me to attain my bearings with people, friends, family. However, the boy reared his ugly head once in a while as well- in events ranging from calling a ‘Fat Faggot’ in the street to telling my close friends I am a waste of space and will never amount to anything, to fucking a (now ex) close friend and getting her pregnant. This boy just could not reason with himself to not act like the world’s most valiant asshole.

But, fabled followers, fear not; as of today I never have to see his emotionally disfigured face again, never have to hear his bated breaths of sodomy and selective xenophobia. Never again do I have to feel the chains of his presence in my life, on this day, I am free. I have found someone else to love, someone else to care for; me. I am worth so much and I never realised it- I am a being of beauty and bashfulness and I am me. I have many new friends who are close to my heart, from a like-minded lesbian, a mentally complex millennial of the interwebs, an old friend who’s reintroduction has soothed my pains to a very unlikely kind brutish boy with good intentions. No, this is not a PSA on falling into the ‘wrong crowd’ it’s an appreciation for all that I hold close. These squishy meat sacks are wonderful, they make me feel human, they make me feel like I can grow and live and breathe. Also, I met a boy- he’s strong and kind and I love the way he holds me when we kiss. I think he likes me a lot too but I’m not sure, past echoes almost ruined what this became but I’m determined to not let apprehension stand in the way of progress anymore.

I am Aran, I am weird. I am gay. I am a scientist.

And I love life.

Day 3: My College Experience.

I’m not new to college, I’ve been there for a long time now in fact. But my time there is drawing to a close, as I enter my last few weeks and take my exams, I can’t help but feel a little sad. Sad that I didn’t do more, sad that I didn’t keep in contact with those who left and worse so, there’s the prospect of the people I see everyday of my life fading away like my school friends or my childhood friends. What if all those promises of ‘I’ll call you every day!’ And ‘we’ll be coming to visit you all the time’ fall short and empty. What would you do? Do I save myself the pain of slowly loosing them from my life by cutting them out now? It’s like being trapped in a small corner and being told it’s the best and freest you’ve ever been. Though you may be moving forward and making a life for your self, can’t you spare a thought for what might happen? Those who you’ve relied on, partied with, pleaded with, will go away? Just find someone to replace you? I know we live in an age of individuality, but at what point does being and individual make you replaceable, make you disposable?

I should be stressed over my terminal exams which dictate my future, but instead the stress is present and torn. Torn between my future and happiness and my friends and happiness. Either way I’d lose happiness. Lose some of my self, is that growing up? Is that how people mature? How we survive? If so, why do we want to grow up? Why would you want to lose that precious time of your youth and your well being, the days spent with people who didn’t need you to pay, or be intellectual. Just to ‘be’. I don’t mean to make a Beatles cliché but it does reflect how we act in society, how we act through out the many rights of passage that seem to make us change our entire being just to fit into the pre-decided shape of your future. Is it all worth it?